weareradical at 6:55 AM

Friday, May 02, 2008

Friday, 2 May 08



today, alisa shan't say she doesn't know what to say. today, alisa has decided, she'll just share her heart out if that could make her feel a little better.

like how people always ask it, i'll ask you guys too : how's everyone central three?

okay, maybe, this will sound weird. but it feels like i haven't actually catched up with the cell for a super duper long time cause lately i had a lot of ministry stuff on, and i didn't manage to join you guys on thursday (yesterday), and.

its weird saying i haven't really shared my heart out like that with you guys for a thousand i don't know how long ages..

but like i said, i'll just do so because, maybe thats what makes one feel better too.. ((:


so anyway, yeah. in case you all were wondering where i was on thursday? i went to meet a friend, a very. special friend. someone who's very close, like a best friend, just that she's not my best friend. someone perharps, i won't see for..

almost. forever, literally.


well.. yeah. i decided, no matter what i had on that day, i'd lreally ike to meet up with her just one last time so that, even if she goes to a place thats so far away to further her studies, i could try cheering myself up by thinking, at least i met her once before we won't see each other forever.

so yeah, thats where i went on thursday and...


yeah. i wonder how thursday was for you guys.. haha. i guess it must have had been quite fun right? after all, sentosa's such a nice place because of the reaaaaaaaally nice beach and the fact that its so fantasy like, like as if you're on some imaginary island far away from everything back in Singapore.


well..
my thursday was.......... __________.



it was a bad thursday because.


i got really angry at God for many things, just thinking about life the way it is now and i couldn't understand the way God worked, i just didn't understand why God did what He did and i got really angry with God and.....

urgh yeah, it was just really terrible.

i tried feeling happy that i met that friend one more time, but after reading the super long stuff she wrote me it only made me miss her more, and instead made myself feel more sad...

but then.. i went online, as usual and..

yeah. i had some long long conversation with a megalife friend..

and, after i talked to that friend.




i just felt so bad..



sometimes, we just feel so upset and angry over the things that happen in our lives, and all we think of to say to God is "why God, why are things this way? why did you place me in this situation, even when you knew i'd be this angry at you for doing so?"

we'll be pin-pointing the blame at God and...

thats because we don't understand the way God does things..


well. you guys may think of me as someone who's a really "high" girl, you know. but anyway, like i said, since im sharing my heart with you..

im not that "high" as you think i am. i may laugh a lot when im around you guys, but i don't think you guys really see me when im angry or sad, like literally SO upset that the tears really can't stop falling. like, REALLY.


yeah, don't think you guys have seen me in that state before, and i don't know if anyone in megalife actually has but.

but then i realized that..


God knows you know? He knows its hard on us too.. and after the whole looooooooong convo i had with that megalife friend (like the longest time i ever talked to that friend la, haha..)


thankfully, somehow, i dont know how but just somehow, my anger like subsided...

simply put, im not feeling angry at God anymore, but yeah, im still feeling sad that someone close to me in school, has to study overseas and i might never ever see her again since she's going to Canada..

i mean thats..

thats like SUPER far away...


sometimes, i wanna tell her not to go.. i wanna tell her how precious a friend she is to me, and how sad i feel to have to see her go so far away... but, sad as it is, we'll just have to let go of those dear to us, when its difficult for them to have us near..



truely that's more than line from a korean drama, but its really true and i didnt think i'd be true.. haha..

but..




in a way, i kinda feel sorry towards God too..

if you ask me, i don't know what to tell God now.. and if people ask me why im feeling sad, i can't find the words to cut the long story short and summarize everything...


yes, sorry if this post is like my longest post EVER here....

but......

yeah i feel really bad..

i realized its God's way of testing.. at times like this, when its hard to love God, if we really love God, we'd still hold on to Him and not give up right...?


i really wanted to give up and.. and i kept on holding back many times...
but then, as things got more and more and more difficult for me, i came to a point where i just felt so angry with God...

like never before, i couldn't recall any other time i was this angry with God, maybe even this upset and angry with someone...

and.. yeah.



like i mentioned earlier, i got into my mood of tears can't stop falling kinda thing.

thats when after that long convo with my megalife friend.. i realized that.


i don't really love God, enough to trust Him when i can't see His hand..


in a way, i guess. maybe its okay to feel ashamed of oneself, maybe its okay to feel bad for failing.. but..


yes, this is a SUPER long post so i'll end it here..





God really cares for us and...




i dont know, maybe even a thousand "sorry"s can't repay our anger towards God, nothing can express our apology as much as we want too, and the saddest part of it all is...

that it'll take long, i dont even know how long but i know long, to find back my love for God now... after "cooling down" so to speak. haha...


so yeah. okay this is weird weird werid, like just. WEIRD. i cant recall a time i've said stuff like this but anyway...



if its hard to love God, don't give up...

because God really loves us and cares for us and.. He knows too, He knows its hard...

its just a time to test ourselves on how much we love God, whether we'd love Him that much to trust Him when we can't see His hand..

and..

don't ever let go of God..



for me, this is just the start of finding back what i've lost...


when i made a mistake last year to not trust God, i felt far away from God and it took quite some time to be able to feel near to God.. and even then, i still can't really feel that joy i felt when i trusted God because of the mistake i made..

now i made my mistake to let go of my love for God because of how angry i felt at God on thursday with all the things happening lately...

and just like how hard it was to get back to where i once was with God after making the mistake of not trusting Him..

i have a feeling it'll be hard, or maybe even harder, just that this time its finding back my love for God..

so yeah.

don't ever let go of God (:





okay. if i say some more, it'll probably be more and more weird and it ALREADY feels weird. so i'll end this post here... (:



goodbye.



Alisa.