i just wanna say, I have no where else to turn to, and i don't know what to do.

really.

about a year ago God brought me down the harsh way to teach me certain things, like to treat him seriously, for example.

i felt weak, and sad, and i was far away from God. I kept pressing on to reach back to him, but to no avail. I ended up giving up trying after 6 months and just let it happen. however, about 3-4 months after i gave up, God still brought me back up and i was near him. His objective and will was done, and i learnt many new stuff from that harsh period of time. I was happy.

about december God told me he was gonna put me in a period of dryness this year. I refused to believe it, but it happened again. He told me on the first day of January his objective was to teach me discipline, both spiritually and world-ly. I was like " i already have that!" But little did i know, he took it away from me,which led to losing many other important things as well. He also told me he was gonna use me, as a servant, but only after i have gained this spiritual discipline.

after much struggling and slacking, God spoke to me in the shower today and reminded me of all these things.Then I had just realised, everything is coming true. My discipline is gone, I have fallen back from my self-made promises to him, I have fallen back from servanthood, I have fallen back from everything he said would be taken away from me.

his objective was to use this year to train me to somehow get them all back,so as to prepare me for something which i honestly don't know,but definitely a huge role/task. So i got pumped up, all ready to go, but QT just didn't feel right. I found it hard to even concentrate on him, even basic things like sitting still. I kept thinking to myself,'press on.' But i gave up. It's just so hard, really hard. I dunno about you guys, but i guess this is the way God uses to teach me things (to put me through a tough time of dryness so as to learn from it), to prepare me for stuff. About half an hour later, i gave up. i came out,and now am typing this here, with tears in my eyes which i am trying to hold. I didn't expect this to be so hard, i really didn't. I feel like giving up, but the other half of me says persevere.

(about 10 min later after typing the paragraph above)

but i have thought about this, and i ain't gonna give up. It's gonna be hard, difficult, and all the other words that mean difficult..but, i'm just gonna walk towards this path that God has carved out for me,because i know, that this is the best decision anyone could ever make for me,because of the fact that he is God. I know it may not make sense here, and you maybe thinking like 'wth is so hard man? discipline? tsk.' I know it sounds 'okay' here,but it's just the way i type. i'm not good in english nor am i good in expressing myself, and i don't wanna type it all out, cos it will take hours. but trust me, it's more than that. discipline is just a tip of what God is training me for. 

my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for me as i go through this tough time. If you don't know what to pray, then just simply pray that God's will be done in my life.

Thank You.

Derek.

p.s  if you don't understand what i'm trying to say, it's fine.

weareradical at 6:42 AM

Thursday, March 05, 2009

i was just skimming through the archives. and it really brought back so much memories(:

what was years ago seemed just like yesterday. the memories are almost tangible. yet i know they will eventually fade away.

we always talk about how God is always there for us, we always tell our friends God bless and all that.

but do you actually, honestly, believe it? if you do. are you walking your talk!

we tell them turn to God,


well do we?




i know i didn't.
till recently.

let's be the change.